First I'll start with the link to my original post at the beginning of the year if you want some background. I'll probably recap slightly in this post but the original contains the raw feelings. I just read it back myself and I'm almost baffled by how different things are for me now. So here's the link and below will be more of a story/letter I would like to say to her but never will... (I'm gonna change the names just cause) https://www.reddit.com/BreakUps/comments/7u6ddd/i_still_cant_believe_it/?utm_source=reddit-android
So it's been almost a whole year since you left. You made it official on the 29th of December 2017 but the way I see it, you were gone on boxing day. That's the day you left to stay with your aunt to "think things through" more like you were too much of a coward to break up with me face to face given that in the end you did it over the phone...
Do you remember the beginning though?
I was working at the funfair. I was a big fish in a small pond. A man of the people. King of the fair ground. Loved by my coworkers and my regular customers. The roller-coaster I operated was elevated almost like I had a stage. I'm a born performer, I was up there for the whole Park to see. Surrounded by crowds of people in the summer heat. I felt like a superstar. Then one day I saw you. You had just started worked there too. You were blonde and you were wearing a white vest top with black jeans...damn you looked fine.
Your friend kelly started working there too and she was assigned to assist me on the my ride while you were sent to the top end of the park to work the bounced castle. I tried many ways to ask kelly about you. What you're like etc but didn't have the confidence to ask if you were single.
Then one day you came in with your hair dyed pink and blue. It was funky. Really interesting. I really am like a moth to a flame with bright, vibrant colours. This was how I planned to talk to you. I ended up going on break just as you were walking past, so as I walked behind you I said the very first words I ever said to you...
"your hair is amazing, I can see you from a mile off"
You looked back, noticed it was me and giggled and blushed. You were so cute and beautiful. From that day, whenever I walked past you, you had to hug me. I loved hugging you. I wrapped my arms around you and it felt so right. You were so nice and innocent and genuine. You let me be me and we had so much in common. Our connection was instant...
Do you remember all that?...do you remember how pure our love was? Do you remember that you noticed me before I noticed you. I found out later that the day before I saw you, you were walking through the crowd and saw me upon my stage and immediately grabbed kelly to say "oh my God, I must have him!" we both fell in love with eachother at first sight.
Do you remember the first date we had. Well, it was a large group of our work mates but we know that was just a pretense to be together. We watched Hook projected on the side of a building at sunset. We were so shy, we wanted to sit closer but nerves got the better of us. Still, you fed me my favourite snack, jaffa cakes like I was a king.
Do you remember how we ruled the world? Do you remember how people would look as us with envy and admiration and say "you two are goals" Do you remember calling me your man? Do you remember the day I got down on one knee and asked you to marry me? Do you remember saying yes?
I remember everything... The feelings, the adventures, the experiences, the days, the nights, the good times and the bad.
A joke you once told pops into my head. I drive past a place we went to together. I hear a song we called ours. I see the gifts you gave me still on my shelf. I still wear the t-shirts you bought me. I watch the shows we watched together. I still sleep in the bed we shared for so many years. I still drive my car alone. The copilot seat still empty. I still have a Christmas present you gave me in the box. I look at the 'on this day' posts on Facebook and see all the things you used to tag me in and the lovely things you used to say so openly. I still miss you.
This year has honestly been one the best. I bet you didn't expect me to say that did you? This year I lost over 2 stone in weight. I'm fitter than I ever have been and I look incredible. This year I've been working as a children's entertainer getting paid to party. This year I worked at the funfair again, remembering who I was before I met you. This year I have trained mixed martial arts with increasing frequency every week. This year I achieved a 1st place trophy in the mixed martial arts national championships. This year I achieved 2 gold medals in the mixed martial arts WORLD championships! That's right...2! I am a world champion martial artist. I won every fight I had and even took a hefty punch to the face splitting my nose and receiving a cool scar. This year I have been made a full time martial arts instructor. This year I have been made sensei. This year I am no longer the man you knew. You'd hate me now.
I'm ambitious again and driven. I'm independent and take no shit from anyone. I party more and I have a lot of fun on my own. I love having my own space and love doing what I want, when I want...
But I still miss you...
For fuck sake! Why do I still miss you?!
This year I had a FWB for a few months. She was nice and decent in bed but ultimately I wasn't interested in her in that way. Then I met a girl at the funfair who is gorgeous. She had something about her I really wanted to get to know her...but she wasn't interested in me. Then I dated another girl which was short lived because of other conflicts.
Then I met another girl who is fun. We go on adventures and she's really into me. Good kisser, nice hugs...but I'm really not into her either...
I can't stop thinking about you. But even then, no thought I have makes sense. I'm just not the guy I was. You wouldn't fit in my life anymore.
I keep dreaming about you. In the dreams you're more grown up and mature. You want to try again and have a proper go of it. You're apologetic, sincerely and miss me and want to be with me again. In the dreams I take you back. But I can't do that.
People always said I would hear from you soon enough and I had to be strong to resist...but I never did. I saw you at your aunt's wedding where apparently you were cussing me out. Why would you do that? Why do you dislike me now? I get maybe you didn't love me but I never did anything wrong to you...he was there with you...funny I had so many people come up to me and say
"wait a minute... So she left you...for that?! That's unbelievable"
Everyone takes my side. Better yet, did you know both...That's right BOTH of your sisters were hitting on me that night. One of them literally asked me to go back to hers with her and later said if I had we would have fucked...I said no obviously. Jeez I have more self respect than that. But what does that say about your sisters, wanting to fuck your ex fiancé...I guess disloyalty is in your blood.
I bump into you and your aunt weeks later. I said hello to you and you said hello back. I asked how you were and you said you were good. I then go on to talk to your aunt where I reveal to her that I was officially on the world championship squad to represent team GB. I totally said that for your benefit. How did that make you feel? It may have seemed petty but in all honesty, you were the person I always came to with good news and now you're not...I guess I just wanted you to feel happy for me.
I was told later that after we parted you said to your aunt "he's lost a lot of weight hasn't he?" probably the nicest thing you've said about me all year, I dno.
Nearly a year on and you're still with that cunt...I'm over the break up. I know it was only a matter of time. I know we weren't right for eachother. That's still hard to believe given how amazing our relationship really was but, I guess life has a cruel sense of humour.
I still hate that bastard. I'm still baffled you're still together. I hate him for different reasons though. He's a disloyal, dishonest, weedy prick that needs to learn that you don't fuck with people's feelings like that...I know I know, you were as much to blame...if anything it's more likely you lead him on but I can't punch you so...Although I won't actually do it. I'd like to fight him but how unsatisfactory would that be? I'm a champion fighter. Not only do I know better restraint but it also wouldn't be a fight worth having. Not to mention, I'm not gonna give you the satisfaction of fighting over you...
It's so weird, as I write this I don't feel the passion I did writing the last one even though I still miss you...maybe I don't...maybe I miss the idea of you. The fantasy life we lead that wasn't real. This really has just been a recounting of facts and events. I haven't really expressed much feeling.
I'm still not ready to have a relationship but that's because I have myself to focus on. Truly. I love being single. I love not having you as a burden on my life. You leached my money. My energy. My sanity.
So, wait, why do I miss you? My friends have had enough of me talking about it. They reckon that since its nearly been a year I should be over you by now...I mean, fuck them, I'll take as long as I damn well please to get over you. I'll meet someone amazing one day. As nickelback says "I'll know it by the feeling"
I've become very guarded this year. Very cynical and almost emotionless but I would still consider all myself very successful this year. It's been a constant up and next year will be another new chapter of progression.
So enjoy your life cos I'm loving mine.